


An End is a Beginning

by bananasandroses (achuislemochroi)



Series: Whofic [91]
Category: Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: 4X13 (Journey's End), F/M, Pete's World, Tenth Doctor Era
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-02
Updated: 2017-10-02
Packaged: 2019-01-08 08:09:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 635
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12250419
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/achuislemochroi/pseuds/bananasandroses
Summary: Sometimes a beginning tricks us, by looking like an ending.





	An End is a Beginning

I’m not the one she wants.

She may have kissed me – and blimey, was that a kiss! – but she’d have left with the other me had he given her a chance.

Part of me knows and accepts it; I can deal. But the Time Lord part of me remembers the last time anything like this happened. I know that time after the Game Station isn’t the same thing. But it’s the closest experience Rose has had that fits at all. I hope we don’t have to go through all that again but I will if I must. I’m still me – still him. Well. I am, but I’m not. And I suppose if _I’m_ having problems figuring out who and what I am, how much worse must it be for _her_?

And him.

I try not to think about what he must be going through. I’ve the memories of what he was like the first time he lost her to this universe, and it’s not pretty. The idea I’ve contributed to re-creating that walking shadow makes me shiver. And a wave of guilt, so strong I almost buckle beneath it, overwhelms me if I am stupid enough to think about it.

And I _am_ stupid enough. One day, I’ll learn.

He loves her. And I know how much he loves her because it defines me. He said I was ‘born in battle – full of blood and anger and revenge’. And he’s right. But as usual, he only mentioned part of the story. He couldn’t bear to use the words, but I was once part of him so I know. I was born from an overwhelming love: his, for her. And I know how much it cost him to turn around and walk away.

I _know_.

Because I am him.

She’ll be wondering why he up and left her without a word of goodbye. I know this because I know _her_. And she doesn’t want to ask, because she thinks it will upset me. But if she does, I can answer her. He did it because the strength of his feelings for her meant that if he spoke to her or hugged her again, had any contact at all, he would never have been able to do what he did. He would never have been able to leave her.

And it wasn’t just about him any more.

I have no illusions. I know what he would have done with me had he the choice. I spent a lot of time expecting him to abandon me in that parallel universe while he and Rose picked up where they left off. And I know how involved with each other those two were.

She thinks he still has Donna; that soothes a little of the guilt for her. And I don’t know how to tell her that that isn’t, can’t be, true. There’s a reason there aren’t more Human-Time Lord metacrises. I’ll tell her if she asks. Maybe. But if I can protect her from this one thing, at least, if I can ease the guilt she’s feeling even a little, I’ll do it. And I’ll be _glad_ to.

I know she’s thinking of him when she looks at me. I’m half-surprised she hasn't tried getting me into brown pinstripes already. And I think she feels guilty for appearing to choose me on that beach. So we’re both carrying a fair bit of guilt.

Same old, same old, eh?

It isn’t the best emotional state on which to build – resume, in some ways – a relationship, I know that. But this is not the end for us. Far from it. And if I have anything to say about it, it’s not even the beginning of the end. But it is, perhaps, the end of our beginning.

And right now?

It’s enough.

  



End file.
